Being Thirsty.

If I get thirsty I get lastima. I drink anywhere from 100 to 200 ounces of water a day (depending how soft I feel). So this way I can avoid being parched. So this way I can avoid being sad. It also means I pee at least 20 times a day, which I think is a small price to pay really. The alternative is crying every time I forget my diet coke.

This has always been a thing. When I was 4 years old my favorite hobby was lying down on the hopscotch carpet in our playroom and sipping something. I’d throw myself down on the floor (*kur-plunk*), and drink juice after juice, staring up at who-knows-what on the white ceiling. Not playing, not hopscotching, just hydrating. Wishing on stucco stars.

My mom would spy on me thinking, “Isn’t she strange? Why doesn’t she play? She’s just lying there drinking juices!” She tried to cut me off, to curb my fluid addiction, to encourage toys. But I just learned how to work a room.

Starting with my nanny, next my sister, then my mom; if I was lucky, dad was home and I’d get a bonus juice! I'd tug on their hands and plead, “jugo…jugo” very dramatic like, licking my lips as if I was in the Sahara about to die. And it felt like I was dying, burning inside because being thirsty somehow made me extra sensitive. Extra vulnerable. Like when things are dry, they’re very still. So still that sensations are magnified. And I do not need the magnification of feelings, people. 

Back then and even now, sometimes all I want is to lie down with my liquid and dream. Watering down my lastima a little so I can float on.

p.s. I’m waiting to find this listed in a DSM.